This was taken from an email I wrote to a friend. I realized that I am not exactly comfortable sharing my lows on this blog. I guess it comes from the idea that I am on this trip and I want to be having fun all the time, and I want my friends and family to think I am having fun all the time. Of course, that is not true and I think a lot of you know that already. So I decided after hitting ‘send’ that I would open up a bit more about this whole Miraculous Journey…
I had a good time in the Netherlands and an even better time in Denmark. We surfed with this American girl and her boyfriend in Hilversum and had a wonderful time. They were some of the coolest people I have met on this trip. Sarah, was hard at work writing her thesis, but she still managed to take time out of her schedule to chat with us (English, at lightening-speed). We played board games, watched movies, drank beer, it was great. But she had work to do, so we parted ways, promising to reconnect when we passed through the NL again after Scandinavia.
Our next destination was Denmark. We hitch-hiked 900 kilometers in 24 hours. This included rides with 4 truck drivers which was awesome. I might blog about this separately, but I will just say right now that I love riding with truck drivers. They are technically “at work” so they keep to a schedule, there is a bed to sleep in during the ride, and they usually have built-in coffee makers. But more on that later…
So we reconnected with a friend we made on the Camino, Grethe. She is a 62 year-old-woman who was hit by a car and badly injured. She lost the use of her hands, arms, and hips but hrough years of alternative medicine and therapy, she finally regained her mobility. As a celebrationchallenge, she walked the entire Camino. She is definitely one of the most inspiration people I have met on this trip so far.
She greeted us at the door wearing an apron. Hugs followed and then an endless parade of nutritious food for 4 days. She lent us her flat for the duration of our stay and I can’t remember the last time I slept so well and was so well fed. Our days were sunny, full of walks, trips to the garden, coffee, and food. It was a much needed re-charge and I was so happy there. I was stretching every day, going for runs, eating well like I wanted…and then of course we had to leave.
I think I started to get pretty low once we left. I was reminded of how beneficial staying in one place can be and I miss it. To make matters worse, when we were in Malmo, my brother reached out to me and confessed he wanted me to come home. He is having a hard time with life, you know, with a 1-year-old and trying to navigate a relationship with his son’s mother (thankfully, things are civil) and trying to be a good dad in the process. I gave him as much support as I could from a distance, but obviously I wish I could do more for him.
He went from a pot-smoking unemployed couch potato to a young father with a job and bills almost overnight. I really am proud of him, and I tell the story to anyone who wants to know about my family. I tell about my nephew and I am pleased to report he is surrounded by people who love him. But I can understand this was a huge change, very quickly for Alex. He is a sensitive dude, and I feel kind of guilty that I can’t be around when we are finally at the stage when we can interact with each other as adults. And of course, I miss my nephew. He is probably one of the cutest babies to ever exist (aside from me).
Then! One of my best friends ever announced that she is engaged and her wedding will happen next year and she hopes I will be back to attend. I was so happy, and so anxious at the same time. I wouldn’t dream of missing this. And yet, when Maria and I previously discussed the scenarios that would cuase us to come home right away, a wedding did not make the list. In fact, I think the only thing that did was terminal illness. And yet…here I am. But I am not surprised. My friendships mean a lot to me, especially my friendship with Maggie and why shouldn’t I be free to nurture the things in my life that I care about?
It was at this moment that I realized it is distinctly more difficult to travel when you are not running from anything, than it is to go away and leave so much behind. I was so comfortable in my old life that I needed to invent new challenges for myself, and I guess that is the whole point right? That is the optimal scenario, to be so efficient in taking what life throws at you, that you have the space to plan challenges for yourself. You know, like training for a fight, or a race. You do it because you know it’s good for you and it prepares you.
But it comes at a price. I am realizing this now. I spend a lot of time in the future, or the past. I am still not very good at focusing on the present. I do want to change that, but it is slow going. I have such an emotional connection to everything that I left, it is impossible to drag everything with me and make progress.
So when I arrived in Norway I was very down. It is a beautiful country, but all I wanted was to be back in Denmark, or back in Oceanside, or back in San Francisco, hell even Seattle. And I felt guilty about it. I am on this trip, in a beautiful place, and I have trouble enjoying it. I was hating everything. My backpack, the budget, the price of food here, the price of everything here and it was not fun.
I was browsing through our host’s book collection yesterday and I found Touching the Void by Joe Simpson. I stayed up most of the night reading it and I felt better. I mean, I still have no idea how I would react to such a situation, and it was an extreme example, but the idea that you should not be surprised when your lows are only punctuated by brief, fleeting highs, before they continue to get lower is valuable information. This is often how life behaves, and I recognize this pattern from the winter I spent in Europe.
The catch is that, if you remove yourself from the present, you never make it out of these spots alive.
My new strategy is this, I am taking a break from the Book of Face. I will answer emails when it’s convenient for me (and when they are from my parents), but otherwise, I purchased 2 books yesterday and I plan on reading and writing in my journal to pass the time.
We are taking a break from couchsurfing, and exclusively wild camping for the next few weeks while we journey to North Cap. It’s over 2500 kilometers and I have no idea how long it will take. But this is my moment to Alexander-Supertramp-it and really do something good for my soul. You know, without the dying part.
Finally, I told Maggie that I would go to her wedding even if it meant heading there straight from the airport. I discussed this with Maria and it was agreed that I can go home whenever I would like, but that doesn’t mean she will come back with me. She has her journey and her goals, and I have mine and we’re comfortable allowing each to take it’s course. And that made me feel much better, and much more in control. I can decide how to prioritize my own life. And it’s nice to know that I have support in my relationship to do what is best for me. I am thankful for that every day.
That is where I am at right now.